Stressed out

So it has been a while. And I have been stressed beyond my max. Since we are recruiting and not in the "real army" I don't have quite the support net that I would like, so my blog is going to have to do for right now. I have been dealing with all kids of stuff: health problems (me), behavior problems (kids), work issues (my husband working freaking over time all the time), not having enough time to get stuff done, working hard toward my weight loss goal only to have injuries, and dealing with my own head (both literally and figuratively). I get the results of my MRI today. Also, I have been having such bad anxiety issues that it really is starting to impact my quality of life. And I am getting attacks from the smallest of stressers. Meds make me feel crappy and listless, so I am now trying herbal supplements. The passion flower seems to be working the most.

I have really lost sight of myself and my goals for life. I am trying to keep a positive attitude, but it has been really difficult. The kids went through assessments at school, both academic and cognitive. Blessing: they will now be including into a regular classroom for kindergarten. Problem: the test gave us IQs. The numbers weren't what I had hoped, but what I had suspected. This is a huge stresser for me. I should be thinking of the positive things about our meeting with the teachers: the kids will be going to normal kindergarten, we reached our number one goal! The kids have made leaps and bounds developmentally! I should be jumping for joy! But no...I am having anxiety attacks over a number that will change when they retest in three years. What is wrong with me?!! (Totally rhetorical. Last thing I need is for people to start posting what's wrong with me, lol.) Actually, I have GAD. Generalized anxiety disorder. Look it up and my picture just might be under the definition.

My kids behavior at school is pretty good. At home: not so much. They don't want to listen. And when I take away toys they throw temper tantrums and still won't listen. You know what the doctor told me: find parenting classes. Lol, I really wanted to punch him, just for a second. Then I realized he doesn't have children with disability. I am waiting to see what the doctor at Kennedy Krieger has to say and what resources they share. As for now, we are going to keep doing positive reinforcement and possibly a strict afternoon schedule. That way we can cut down on some of the chaos.

I do need a support system though. I need a mentor. Someone who has been there and done that in the world of Autism. I don't need a book. I don't need a therapist (although I am sure some would disagree). I need a real person, another mother of an autistic child who has gone through all this and made it out the other side.

It seems impossible to keep a positive attitude. I really do look at everything negatively. I mean, my MRI was just to rule out the worst since I haven't had a scan done for my migraines since I was five. But all I can think about is, "I might have a tumor and die..." Seriously. I actually had problems getting to sleep last night because I was so stressed out that I had heart burn and heart palpitations. Something has got to give! (I will let everyone know how the MRI turns out.)

So I am now working on writing down everything: my goals, my priorities, my stressers, and what makes me happy. I am gonna take those lists and make a schedule for my day and work on fixing what needs fixing and letting go of the things I can't control. I am going to change my way of thinking...with God's help and many prayers, I am sure, but I am going to do it. It may take the rest of my life to get everything under control, but at least I will be working on it. And I am going to take time out everyday for me to relax and meditate! But not yoga. I actually stress more when I try to do yoga, lol. And once my shin splints heal I am going to start running with a friend of mine. She is a super runner and a total sweetheart. I know she will be a prayer warrior for me, and a positive role model.

If you want to help and want to be a sounding board for me then tweet me @Tiger215. Please :) I need all the help I can receive!